Eviction Notice

I love my porch. It has an old black rocking chair, a huge citronella candle for keeping bugs at bay, and a side table for holding my books, magazines, and iced tea. Everything I need to enjoy a lazy afternoon or spend an evening reading. Unfortunately, last fall my porch acquired something new, a family of birds. The birds built their nest on top of my porch late last fall. Before I knew it, my whole porch was covered in icky bird poo and I was banished indoors. I was going to destroy the nest, but it was quickly becoming winter and I hated the thought of leaving the birds homeless in the cold! After much internal debate, I made up my mind to let them stay for the winter and evict them as soon as spring came...

But when spring came, I worried that my porch inhabitants had babies in that nest. What if I knocked it down and killed their babies!? Or left them homeless with babies to feed!? No no, I could not live with myself if I was a baby bird murderer. So I decided to wait until I was certain there were no eggs or hungry little babies.

Now that time has come. My patience with the birds is OVER. The bird family is the most active family of birds EVER. Not only do they poop more than any bird family in history, they like to wake me up at 5am with incessant chirping EVERY MORNING.

So today was the day. Eviction Day. Wearing hot pink rubber kitchen gloves, rain boots, sunglasses, and a face mask (filched from our yard guys), I stepped onto the porch. Whilst humming the Ghost Busters theme song, I took a broom and knocked down the nest...which, blessedly, was empty. Then I used 2 entire bottles of Mr. Clean and scrubbed my porch top to bottom to get rid of any traces of poo.

Finally! My porch was mine again!

After all the deep cleaning, I made a glass of tea and sat in my rocker to enjoy a good book. A few pages in, I looked up and realized the bird family was sitting on the eve of my porch, watching my every move. As I reached for my tea, their angry eyes followed me. As I stood up they craned their necks down and continued to stare. Despite the fact that I think I should get some major props for not evicting them last fall, apparently the birds are very displeased with me and may possibly be plotting my death. Eventually I couldn't take their staring anymore and I started to feel really paranoid so I went inside. Since I came in they have all been sitting on my porch railing staring at the door...waiting.

Now I'm scared to use my porch because I keep having visions of myself being killed by birds a-la Alfred Hitchcock.