Finally, he was big enough that he asked if he could make his own bedtime snack "without any help!" I was thrilled...for about 45 seconds, until I heard the word every parent dreads, "WHOOPS!"
I walked into the kitchen to see he had gotten a MIXING BOWL of cereal and filled it with half a gallon of milk. Our kitchen and surrounding area is completely carpet-free except for one small rug...which he managed to nail perfectly.
This is why we can't have nice things.
I almost asked for a fancy bath salt and candle set for Christmas this year...and then I started thinking and realized I couldn't remember the last time I actually took a relaxing bath...or even went to the bathroom alone.
Somehow, 30 second bathroom breaks are always interrupted by Skeeter informing me that he is "absolutely starving!" Or informing me that, even though I'd been gone less than 60 seconds, he "misses me." And yes, I have tried locking the bathroom door. That ends like this:
(actual photo)
And this is why we can't have nice things.
I love the Bumbo Seat. It is very handy! But what is the deal with the Bumbo Seat making kids poop like an upside down volcano!? Is it because it's toilet shaped? Is it so comfy babies just get REALLY relaxed? I don't know, but nearly every use of our Bumbo Seat ends in tragedy. There have been several "Bumbo incidents" where I couldn't decide if we should try to clean it up, or just burn the house down, collect the insurance money, and start from scratch.
(Despite appearances, yes, there IS a diaper under there! Like it did any good.)
And this is why we can't have nice things.
This past summer I purchased new, beautiful sheer curtains! I was so excited to put them up. Whilst standing on a ladder hanging one set of curtains, I heard Skeeter bouncing up and down stairs singing songs from Frozen. Naturally I thought nothing of it. As I moved to the next window to try to hang the next set of curtains I realized they were missing! Only to discover Skeeter was running up and down the stairs in them "Elsa style," wearing my new curtains while singing "Let It Go."
And this is why we can't have nice things.
Have you ever had to call the Fire Department to come free a kid from exercise equipment? Luckily, I haven't either. But it was looking likely the day I found Skeeter "getting in a 'lil exercise" on my exercise bike. Because kids manage to get stuck in EVERYTHING, he'd somehow wedged his foot entirely through one pedal and gotten it stuck. We had to take one of the pedals off to get his leg free.
And this is why we can't have nice things.
For ages now, I have been pureeing vegetables and sneaking them into our food. Spaghettio's for dinner? Try Spaghettio's and a full serving of (pureed, sneaked in) vegetables! Unfortunately, Skeeter caught me sneaking veggies into his food one day and was absolutely furious.
Now he has a bit of a trust issue regarding "possible veggie contamination" with his food. Not long after the original discovery he was eating a bag of snack-sized Doritos. He took a bite out of the first chip, then looked at me suspiciously and said, "This tastes like broccoli!" Then he spit the chip out like it was poison...covering himself and our kitchen table with spitty Dorito. (There were OBVIOUSLY no veggies in the Doritos bag. I'm good, but I'm not THAT good).
And this is why we can't have nice things.
The Diaper Genie. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. It has been a life saver for my mom. Before the Diaper Genie she was making daily "walks of shame" out to the outside trashcan with poopie diapers, but no more! The Diaper Genie has one giant, long, air-tight trashbag. When you put a diaper in it gets sucked down into the trash bag and then it seals back up, so you can't see or smell the diaper. When you change the Diaper Genie trash bag it is like one giant poop sausage.
But it is airtight! So you never have to touch or smell the diapers again!...unless you live with this cute little disaster:
This guy likes to take small objects, usually extremely important ones, and toss them into the Diaper Genie. What does this mean you ask? When the object, like MY CAR KEYS, gets put into the Genie, they circle down and become part of the poop sausage. So the only way to get them out is to pull out the entire trash bag and...wait for it...cut it open. This is an AIRTIGHT BAG OF OLD POOP DIAPERS. While it is completely scent free sealed, as soon as you slice it open it releases a smell that can only be akin to one of the following things:
1. 1,000 rotting corpses.
2. A skunk family reunion.
3. An overturned garbage truck, in New York City, during a 110 degree heat wave.
Items Most Likely to be fished from the Diaper Genie:
Keys
Lipgloss
Watch
Ring
One of his shoes
Any toy that will fit
And this is why we can't have nice things.
BUT, if you asked any one of us if we would give up life with these kids, the answer would be "No!" Yes, they are messy and stinky, but they are our whole world. Our wanted, loved, prayed-for, cared-for, completely adorable, beautiful little monsters.
